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Life is a see-saw
This part of the see-saw is currently on the up while my current mood seems to be on the down. Well it is easy to feel down with ever more insane lockdowns but this was not the cause just a catalyst. I always felt either up or down and I searched all my life for something approximating equilibrium. I know this will forever elude me.
I can probably blame my emotionally volatile parents for not providing me with a template of stability. But then it was me who tried to force stability onto myself in a futile attempt to not repeat them. Truth be told volatility is as much part of me as it was a part of my parents. Pair this with my high sensitivity and I simply feel emotions much more strongly in either direction.
Let’s live a little
I am now at the point where I feel like a see-saw. Never in balance always either up or down. Trying to balance this volatility myself is exhausting. This depressing pandemic made me give up on controlling and balancing it. And you know what. It is good I gave up. It is big burden gone.
Yes it means being more up and down but it also means more feeling, more sensation and more life. I want to let go and I want to allow myself to be more … well … me. With all the ups and downs this entails. I mean I did work hard enough to be able to reflect on myself and to judge my actions. Time to give myself some slack. This never really happy but never really unhappy kind of insecure equilibrium I tried to keep is not a real life.
I’d rather collect a few more heartbreaks than to ignore my polyamorous side. I’d rather try and fail at different hobbies and goals instead of just not even trying. I’d rather fight it out with someone in the hopes of having a better relationship but also taking the risk of loosing someone instead of staying unsatisfied and avoiding conflict. I’d rather enjoy the highs knowing full well about the lows that are about to come than just try to play everything safe. I hope it works out 🙂
I am falling in love with this old Russian lens. I feel it is incredibly sharp for such an old tool. I was unsure about buying this new camera and the old lenses but I enjoy the process very much even though a bunch of lenses I got are not that great and many images are still out of focus. But I am getting there … I love the learning experience.
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